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I have the same Victorian bedroom. Storage was important to me so I put wardrobes all across the chimney breast wall (including in front of the chimney breast where the shelves are deep enough for folded clothes as opposed to rails) and my headboard is against the internal wall. And I flipped the bedroom door hinge so it swings the other way. But I think your idea to have the headboard on the adjoining wall is also lovely and a popular choice. I don’t see why you should compromise because of your neighbour’s unreasonable requests. Unless the council requests you to do something, to stay neighbourly I would smile and say that’s a great idea and then who’s to tell whether you actually put the insulation or not. Frankly it’s none of his business. Ask the builders strictly not to let anyone in the house if you’re not there during the reno, because nosy neighbours tend to try their luck.
We also did a side return extension if that helps. Which borough are you in? I am a Solicitor (albeit in a completely different field) and I did lots of research on the law and local guidelines and submitted planning myself and liaised with the council directly. It most often falls under permitted development. There are exceptions, as ours actually didn’t fall under permitted development, but councils are usually efficient in approving given that it’s a pretty standard extension to a Victorian home. It’s such a common extension, personally I haven’t heard of neighbours being able to veto side return extension plans.
My advice – don’t succumb to the requests of a bitter neighbour! Renovate YOUR house exactly as YOU want it (but within legal and council guidelines